Emily’s Chocolate Paradise

Emily, it’s funny how you made your way into the ruins of my mind. Today, you must’ve squeezed your way through the cracks in the window. Damn. I need to get those fixed. I thought my days were over thinking about you, but I was wrong. Father Time mended these scars years ago… guess Mother Nature has other plans. This time, the messenger was a light breeze, carrying the sweet scent of chocolate. You filled my home once again, silencing the sounds of a jackhammer destroying the blacktop. While I was glad that you always made us feel like the only two people in the world, this time I dread the thought of you. And listening to the road shatter, would’ve been much better than choking on a resuscitating memory, that’s crushing my chest and steeling my breath. The cold modest breeze, a medium that’s dusting off the ruins of a bitter love, sending a refrigerated chill into your chocolate paradise.

Remembering the first time we met is standing right in front of me, except you’re not smiling. You weren’t afraid of anyone, no matter what face they’re wearing. That day, I happened to throw on my grumpy old man face, that I borrowed from my father. But…Nooo, that didn’t stop you from sitting down right next to me. Every day we had class, and without fail, you’d say hello. And that smell. I can never forget that smell. I swore you bathed in chocolate. Once you were settled in your seat, the first thing you did was pull out a big bag of Hershey Kisses and asked if I wanted any. Eventually, after four weeks, I gave in. I’m a sucker for sweet things.

Why do we go back to the first day we ever met someone special, and forget about all the misery that follows? I think you were supposed to teach me how to be a better person. How cliché! But what I’ve learned, was something completely different. I never thought I’d gag at the smell of chocolate, and when I look back, our timeline was based on two chocolate aromas. Milk chocolate was a reminder of our best times, and then somewhere along the line, it turned bitter dark. And now, when I walk down the candy aisle, I see the kisses, but their words have changed. And the last words I hear, is spoken through a Hershey Kiss. Only this time, it’s not blowing me one, it’s telling me to kiss something.

Sense of Loss: Denial

Hello,

Thank you for stopping by. In my previous posts, I’ve been discussing Culture Shock, and how it can affect someone. It can be jolting, just like grief. The person involved can go through some similar stages of grief, because there’s going to be a sense of loss within yourself. A loss so powerful, you may feel an overwhelmed, and it may be difficult to deal with at times. Culture Shock doesn’t have to be moving from one country to another. It can be within the country, you call home. You can move from one town to another or move from a rural area to a big city. The shock may be hidden by our own character. Some people may call it flaws, but I choose not to see it that way. If we are searching for a balance inside of us, then that attribute is a part of who we are. If you don’t like something about yourself, then you have that freedom to change. The characteristics that I’m going to mention is shaped by our past, and by the society we were raised in. These characteristic traits may be hidden deep beneath the core, which can lead us blindly down the road of denial. While I was down the street, I got to thinking about how I was shaped by society, and what is innate. I’m still working on the natural, but the shaping of who I am, does play a roll in how we deal with experiences. We may think that we’re the ones that are controlling what’s happening, and part of that, I believe is true. But how we’re raised, plays a significant role. This is one of the reasons why self-awareness is crucial in times of crises.

For example; After studying gender, and how gender is created from the moment we are born, can be a form of denial. If you believe men aren’t supposed to look weak, or women are expected to cry in situations of crises, then you’re sadly mistaken. I believe that people have the right to be who they want to be, without interference. That’s not the case, but some societies are working on it. So, let’s look at denial once again. We can bounce back and forth between different stages. And remember, there isn’t a time frame, but if you feel stuck, then there are different options for you to take to get unstuck. I’ll give you some at the end of the post, but for now, let’s look at how we can bounce back into denial.

If you’re taught, this is what a man is supposed to be, then there is some lingering denial that can hinder the healing process. As a man, you may have been told, or shown, that you’re not supposed to ask for help. That is denial. But women may be taught to take care of the man and ignore their own grieving process. Which is some back-dated thinking. This may sound selfish to some, and if it does, you may want to see if that’s a part of your thinking process that’s keeping you from healing. I don’t want to get into a gender debate, at least not in this post. Cultures have different traditions for men and women, but a sense of loss is universal. You will try to fight this loss, because human beings are fighters. Knowing what piece of you is fighting, can help you move through that obstacle. There will be growing pains, and they will hurt like hell at times, but you are not alone. Your family is going through the same process. If you’re not sure, ask them. If you don’t have that type of relationship, then you can ask me. You may think that you haven’t taken any steps closer to identifying the moral wound or wounds. Just give it time. Nothing heals overnight, especially the grieving process. Looking inside yourself is a key element to weeding out the thoughts and emotions of denial. When you find yourself dwelling, write it down. Then read it. Try not to judge. If your judging your grieving process, then look at that judgment. More than likely, that’s your denial.

If you find yourself in a hole, there are ways that you can climb out. It involves asking for help. If your reading this post, then you have access to the Internet. You can search for groups that are experiencing the same. If you have access to counselors or therapists, contact them, and see if there are any groups that they hold. If you have any comments, questions, or concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact Free-Word. I will help you as much as I can. Thank you for reading.

Dwindling Life

Time.

Winding down.
Heartbeat skips and stutters, sputters… then fades
Memories not forgotten.

Senses final flicker.
Out! Eyes go black,
Relationships dwindling.

Sadness, overwhelming into
Helplessness, panic settles
Into weightlessness

                                                                            Peace.

Beneath the Flesh

Nothingness is deep, it scurries past the time and seeps.
Beneath the flesh it burrows in, a weasel holding mortal sin,
He scratches, claws, he nibbles through. Holding onto Satan’s brew.
Dropping liquid in their veins, as desperation breeds insane.

The immortal blood it heals,
Or does it long for love and steals,
Beating heart that over feels.
I believe its sympathy
Or… maybe it’s a love of apathy?

A soft interior, of pulsing life, forms under rock,
One that’s chiseled by the flock.
Of men, who swarms in masses,
Like cows who herd in social classes.
Their eyes show empty cries,
And heartbeats pumping greed and pride.
Faces in a brittle cast, with paper mache that’s made with glass.

That binds the soul to hollow fame,
That’s plastered greens with Jackson’s name.
A name with many means, killing land for ends of dreams,
It’s the shallow mind that rises, deep beneath their deathly screams.

 

Photo: http://time.com/4312818/cern-weasel-marten-small-animal-particle-collider-cern-hadron/

Sense of Loss: Anger

Hello Readers,

Thank you for reading. When a major change in life happens, there are a range of thoughts and emotions that can be triggered. And it may not only have the emotions that are directly related to that specific experience or news that you’re going through at the time. Any kind of news can strike up a memory, that you thought was dealt with. It’s usually a memory that we related to a sad or angry time in our lives. Therefore, self-awareness is important in troubled times. It allows us to take a glance back and seek at our own reactions to that experience. But, sometimes when we’re in the middle of a crises, we get narrow minded, instead of embracing the change. It’s difficult to embrace the uncomfortable, but are bodies are extremely adaptable. When we’re dealing with any type of emotional and mental shock, our bodies are trying to make sense. And since we live under a social structure that believes in control. We take this lack of control and internalize it, feeling like it’s a weakness. It’s not. Don’t get me wrong, we do have control in certain areas in life and ourselves. Being shocked is not one of them. Receiving the news that our lives will change, without our consent, is a tough pill to swallow. Especially when we feel that the decision is not ours. There’s that lack of control, that we must deal with. So now we must learn how to accept that lack of control. Since control and life is a broad topic, I’m going to narrow down the subject to the sense of loss. As I stated in the previous post, Culture Shock is an event that is like the grieving process. You’ll start out with denial. “There’s no way this is happening.” And then, you may reach to the conclusion of, “How come I didn’t get a say.” That is our minds coming to the realization. That we didn’t have control over a decision that will change the course of our lives. Remember, when I’m discussing this portion of Culture Shock, it falls under the context of being forced to change our lives because of an unforeseen circumstance; Loss of job, maybe you have parents who are divorced and you need to pick up and move in with the other parent. There can be numerous reasons why, but the shock is universal. After the initial shock, and your disbelief of the situation has lifted. This can take you into the anger stage. There will be anger, believe me. How we deal with this is what we’re going to discuss.

In my opinion, anger is one of the most powerful emotions that we have, and it can help or harm us depending on our behavior. If you’re a person who reacts without thought, then it will harm. If you’re someone who holds in their anger, it can lead to depression. And either one of these ways can physically harm you. Therefore, self-awareness is important. Anger likes to feed; it needs to feed to live. This is where the past can haunt you and feed the anger through memory. Being able to identify which experience is driving the anger, will take some hard work. There are different ways that we can do this. I’ve mentioned before, that I write. If you’re someone who doesn’t like to write, then there are other ways to defuse that anger. If you enjoy sports, dancing, or running. The anger needs a release. It needs an outlet, and physical activity is a great way to unleash the anger. I know that anger is frowned upon in some societies, but I’m here to say that in a Culture Shock scenario, it’s common. Culture Shock is an experience that I consider a moral wound. It changes who we are at the very core. This anger that is felt, is understandable. But what can happen if you ignore the anger? It can spin out of control and lead you into the abyss.

Confronting the anger is what needs to be done, and you may have to ask for help. The best people to ask for help, are the ones that won’t judge. The one’s who will listen to you. I found it much easier to deal with the anger, when I speak it out loud. Tell someone. It helps make the anger real. You’re not trying to justify the anger, because it’s yours. Justifying is judgment. If you’re looking for someone to tell you whether you’re right or wrong in feeling this way, you’re setting yourself up to continue feeling angry. All you want to do is to release it, so you can continue with the healing process. When you release the anger, it allows us to step back and analyze. It helps us to move forward through the process.

I will continue the anger stage in my next post, because I believe that anger is the biggest obstacle that we have in loss. There are many parts to us that anger can feed from, or feed on. If you have any comments, I would love to hear them. If you went through this experience, feel free to share it with the readers. Other perspectives help tremendously, because what works for one, may not work for another. Thank you for reading Free-Word.

Sense of Loss: Initial Shock

Hello Reader,

Thank you for stopping by. I hope this information helps.

Are you prepping to move to a country with a different culture? Or, maybe you’re being forced to move because of some unforeseen circumstance? These experiences can shock the body to its core. Your body and mind will go through changes. Changes that will feel overwhelming at times and feel as though it’s taking forever for you to adjust. I can assure you, this shock will ease up, but it’ll take some hard work. Culture shock is a stressful encounter, and when the mind is not comfortable to high amounts of stress, it can lead to a range of emotions and thoughts. From depression, to making irrational choices. A sense of hopelessness may surface prior to your move. I’m here to help ease that blow and show you some effects this may have on your body, and how to prepare.
Culture shock can be looked at as a type of travelling, but there’s a major difference. You’re going to live there. When that initial shock begins to resonate, you may find yourself in panic mode. This is not unusual. If you can’t relate, you’re just not there yet. Since this is a major change in your life, beginning to identify your emotions and thoughts, will help you once the move happens. The are numerous activities that can be done to start the resonation of this change. For instance, I write poetry and stories. I’ll start by what is called the “stream of consciousness”. Whatever goes through your mind, you just write down. I say write, and I’ll give you my reason why. Since you’ll be going through a range of emotions, you will find that your mind and body connection becomes much stronger, and the release is more fulfilling. Plus, have you ever typed when you were angry? You can go through keyboards like they’re going out of style. At least with a pen, they shouldn’t break. And if you’re using a pencil, you’re essentially helping yourself in two ways. Writing, and sharpening your pencil can be a physical release, so your helping with the physical energy, as well. I’m using anger as the example, and it will surface. You’re going to enter a range of emotions that are involved with grief. Just so your aware, it’s healthy. A sense of loss doesn’t only occur with the death of a loved one. We are losing a piece of ourselves, and the mind is trying to make sense of it all. It’s going to be difficult to see at first, so I’ll try to explain it in a way that makes sense.

Through social teachings, we usually identify grief with a death of a person. But when something happens to us, an experience that abruptly changes our whole life, we tend to minimize the problem. Some people may say, ‘That’s life’. Others may say, ‘Life isn’t fair.’ You know what I say to those people, “No Shit.” Those are the ones you want to keep your distance from. Their no help. You will however, and as much as I hate to say this, but other issues will surface. Like in my last example. You’ll find out who truly cares about you. Back to the sense of loss. This overwhelming feeling may not be identified as a loss just yet, but I can tell you that it’s there. In the previous article, I explained how the brain and mind react to an overload of information. Writing down how you feel and what you think, will ease the burden on the mind. Slow down your thinking, and soon it will begin to resonate.

The first stage of grief will show its ugly face. This is the stage of denial. This is a powerful mechanism of the mind. In this case, it may tell you that this move is hard to believe, or this can’t be happening. This is common, and the faster you identify, the faster you can begin the healing process. If you find yourself having a difficult time, do not hesitate to find a therapist or counselor. There is no shame in doing what’s best for you. But a therapist can only take you so far, they can’t force you to stop being in denial. Only you can. They can help identify, give you options, and help you analyze your thought process. There’s a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Here’s a definition of CBT;

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy. This form of therapy modifies thought patterns in order to change moods and behaviors.( https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/cognitive-behavioral-therapy)

Here’s a stuck point in which most people have with our own sense of loss. When it comes down to a physical death, we can view the deceased. I’m not going to get into religious traditions right now, but that topic will be discussed. If you’re a family member or loved one, you may see the deceased at a viewing or a funeral. That allows us to visually see, and that helps our mind internalize and comprehend the loss. But, when we are confronted by a loss of who we are, without the tangible proof, it’s difficult to comprehend. This isn’t about the actual shock of the news, it’s about who we are, and what this move is going to do to us. We’ll feel a disruption, not only physical, but a moral disruption. What was once comfortable and secure, is now threatened by imminent change. In tomorrows posting, I will discuss the next stage of loss, which is anger. If your feeling uncomfortable in any way, please don’t hesitate to message Free-Word. And if there is anything that you want me to discuss any deeper, send a comment, and let me know. I look forward to hearing from you. If you want to follow, I appreciate that as well. Thank you for reading Free-Word.

 

Photo: http://www.dreamomania.info/dreamdictionary/feelings/loneliness_meaning/

She Moves In

She moves with passion, but remains motionless,
Passing her thoughts onto his heart with each beat.
Drawing them in…absorbing her.
The place in which his desires lay bare,
With a breath, whispering her fears,
Blowing a kiss.
She leans back on her spine and wonders,
Wondering will he feel her every desire.

Will he love her faults, without judgment? See her true form beneath the flesh?  Nakedness, when she lays in the light of night?
Wide brown eyes, pulling him in, drawing him closer to listen,                                              To hear the wanting in her chest.                                                                                               Laying herself out there, for his blue eyes to see.

Will he gaze upon her in a different light?
Love, an unconditional woman who he wants to be near, but she’s a dream.
She walks in his mind burning with a warmth he wants to feel,
But he can only see her in his mind.
And she sits there waiting for him,

Calling out to come closer, and as he moves in,
To kiss those lips, she vanishes.
Blending into the chaos of his mind, but he still hears her calling.
Calling out to find her, and while he seeks the woman with the soft voice,
That is etched into his heart
And with each beat, she calls out, come closer
And you will find me.

 

Photo: https://www.tattoosforyou.org/heart-tattoos.php